Not Ready Yet

In most states, the legal age to be emancipated from your parents is eighteen. So if your family throws you out at seventeen, are they breaking the law? Are you?
My parents are very traditional. My mother makes us go to church every Sunday.  My father is disgusted whenever he sees another report about global warming. He calls An Inconvenient Truth a “piece of liberal propaganda disguised as a documentary.”
Sometimes I wonder if it was their constant hammering of their beliefs on me that made me this way. Some say you’re born to be who you are. But maybe I wasn’t born like this at all.

The beginning to this isn’t about where I am right now, though; it starts with how I got here in the first place. The real beginning takes place in middle school. When I met Eddie.

We met in sixth grade because assigned seats were in alphabetical order by last name. My name, Seth Sohlon, placed me right next to Edward Satch. Eddie. We just started talking because there was no one else to talk to. The other people around us were either quiet or just plain loud. Loud enough to scream across the room just to talk to someone two seats away.
Eddie became my best, and only, friend at that time. But he had his own circle of friends that he let me hang out with from time to time. I never considered any of his friends mine though.
Eddie had a lot of girlfriends in middle school. He always had a girl with him in the halls on the way to his next class. Just normal middle school stuff. A hug between classes, sending notes at the lockers, nothing serious. I always felt jealous, though. I thought it was because Eddie had a girlfriend and I didn’t. But at the same time, I had a feeling that wasn’t it. And that’s what scared me.
During middle school, I tried to convince myself that it was only a phase and I’d be “normal” in no time. That this crush on Eddie would go away soon. Still, I wondered why I could never look at girls the same way as Eddie and his friends, but I considered that a part of the phase too.

I didn’t mean to, but one day in art class, I was just doodling on a piece of scrap paper. At some point I wrote “S+E” on it to look like bathroom graffiti.
“Who’s E?” Eddie asked. I couldn’t tell him the truth.
“No one,” I said. “It’s not supposed to mean anything.”
“Sure, it’s not,” he said sarcastically. “No seriously. Who is it?”
I had to think of an E name quick or else Eddie might figure it out.
“Emma,” I blurted.
“Oh,” Eddie said. He grinned. “So you’ve got a crush on Emma Stane, huh?”
I almost made the mistake of saying, “Who?” but then I remembered that Emma was this girl in our Science class.
“Umm… yeah,” I said. “But let’s not say that to anyone okay?”
“Don’t worry, I won’t say a word.”
A little lesson I learned about secrets: Once you tell someone, it’s not a secret anymore.
The next day, Eddie invited me to a table away from the rest of the guys he hung out with. I wondered for a moment but didn’t think too much of it. I was too distracted by the idea of being alone with Eddie to care.
Almost the minute I sat down, Emma showed up.
“Hey, Eddie,” she said. My jaw nearly dropped.
“Hey. Just sit over there next to Seth,” Eddie answered. Suddenly he looked over his shoulder to the guys he usually hung out with. “I think someone’s calling me over there.” And then he was off.
Now that I look back on it, could he have been any more obvious?
It was silent between Emma and me. I slid chunks of what was supposed to be macaroni and cheese across my tray while she swallowed forkfuls of salad.  
After five forkfuls, Emma said, “So Eddie said you wanted to tell me something.”
If there had been anything in my mouth at the time, I would’ve choked.
“Umm…” I was supposed to have a crush on this girl but I couldn’t think of a thing to say to her that would imply I liked her.
Off in another table I overheard a girl say, “So are you going to the dance this Friday?” And that’s when I came up with an idea.
“You want to go to the dance with me this Friday?” I said bluntly. I prayed she’d freak out and say no.
Emma blushed. “Oh… yeah, sure!”
“Oh… okay…” Needless to say, that was not what I expected.
“So what’d I miss?” Eddie said when he came back.
“Meet my new boyfriend!” Emma said.
Eddie and I had the same reaction: “WHAT?”

Emma was my girlfriend for a whole two weeks. I thought that if I went out with her, I’d be able to get rid of that ridiculous crush on Eddie. Instead, it made me want to be with him more. It was a sickening thought.
You know how they say your first kiss is the most memorable one? My first kiss with Emma was memorable for all the wrong reasons. They said you feel alive when you kiss a girl. I felt dead. They said there’d be fireworks. The fireworks I got were dummies. They said you were supposed to feel something. I felt absolutely nothing. I thought it was because I didn’t want to kiss Emma that made it so emotionless. But who did I want to kiss?
I broke up with Emma nearly a week later. It wasn’t fair for her or for me.

Eddie never asked about why we broke up. I don’t think he really cared. Emma’s friends certainly did though.
“Don’t worry Em. He’s probably just gay,” one girl told her.
Gay. The word rang in my head like a mosquito that wouldn’t go away.

Before eighth grade ended, I found out I was moving away to another town. I was relieved because I wouldn’t have to deal with Emma and her friends anymore. Then I got upset because of Eddie.

Going to a high school in a different town, meant that Eddie and I might never see each other again. And in my eighth grade mind, I thought that gave me the perfect excuse to confide in him the one thing that had been bothering me.
“Hey, Ed. Can I tell you something?” I said one day at lunch. The other guys hadn’t come yet so we were still alone at the table.
“Yeah, what?”
I decided to say it quickly, just get it over with.
“IthinkImightbegay.” I had hoped he wouldn’t catch it so I could make up a lie instead.
Eddie didn’t say anything for a few moments.
“No you’re not,” he finally said.
“What?”
“You’re not…. you can’t be. Look, you’re just confused. Don’t even think about it.” Eddie tried to make it like it was no big deal but once the other guys came to the table, I noticed Eddie avoided looking in my direction.

I thought I’d have trouble making friends during my first year of high school. I had a friend the minute I stepped onto the campus. Her name was Kira, and she was the most open person I’d ever met. She’d say the first idea on her mind without a second thought. Being friends with her was like playing follow the leader: She led, I followed. It wasn’t a big deal to me though.
At some point, I told Kira about my “confusion”.  She responded:
“Doesn’t bother me if you are.”
At least I knew there was someone I could go to if it turned out that I wasn’t confused after all.

Kira was the reason I met Reilly Otentik. He went to our school but I barely talked to him. Kira insisted that he liked me. I didn’t believe her. For one thing, I didn’t even know if he was gay. Kira had other ideas.
“Look! Can’t you see he’s checking you out?” she would tell me. When Reilly looked back at us, I wished someone would shoot me.
“Shut up, Kira,” I’d answer.
“Oh, you know you like him too,” she would say. And the truth is, she was right.

If Kira hadn’t set Reilly and me up that one day, I’d still be wondering if I was going through a phase.
One morning before school, Kira called me asking if I wanted to go to Dunkin’ Donuts with her. I didn’t have anything better to do so I agreed. What I didn’t know, was that Kira invited one other person to join us. And that person was Reilly.
Talk about déjà vu.
When we all sat down at the table, we tried to make a conversation. Well, Kira tried. Reilly and I just listened to her as we sipped our drinks. Reilly looked like he didn't expect me to be there either.
Suddenly, Kira left to go to the bathroom, leaving Reilly and me alone. Even at the time I knew how obvious that was.
Again, we were silent. Reilly was the first to talk.
“So… Kira told me that you’re… you know…” He didn’t want to say it out loud in a public place.
“I don’t know,” I said, which was the truth. “You?”
“Yeah.”
“How’d you figure it out?”
Reilly paused to think for a moment.
“You know that game spin the bottle?”
I nodded. I knew where this was going.
“I was at a party where there were mostly girls and only two of us guys. At some point, we played spin the bottle. And when I spun it, I got the other guy. We just laughed about it. We weren’t planning on doing it but at some point the girls dared us to. We thought it wouldn’t matter because it was only them watching.”
“And you did it?”
“Yeah… I think I’ve known for a long time that I was gay. But that moment confirmed it for me.”
“Oh…”
“Have you ever kissed a guy Seth?” he asked.
“No… kissed a girl before, though.”
“How was that?”
“… Nothing special.”
He laughed. Then in a serious tone he said, “Would you ever want to? Kiss a guy, I mean.”
I had to think about this. Then I said, “Maybe.”
And with that, Reilly said, “Follow me.” And he led me towards the door.
“What about Kira?” I said.
“Well, she caused this, didn’t she?” he said. Couldn’t argue with that.
It was cold outside, the kind of morning coldness when the sun hasn’t risen completely yet. But we didn’t mind. I don’t really remember where we went, or how far away it was from Dunkin’ Donuts. I just remembered that Reilly said that no one would be able to see us. And right after he checked to make sure, he kissed me right on the lips.
Everything that I’d missed from Emma’s kiss, I got from Reilly’s.  The fireworks, the feeling of being alive, all that and more. So much more that I freaked. The thought of my parents finding out crossed my mind. I knew how they’d react. They’d kill me.
I pulled away so fast I stumbled backwards. Reilly grabbed my arm in time.
“I… have to go now,” I said before running back to the Dunkin’ Donuts.
Reilly caught up with me.
“Are you okay?” he said.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said a little too quickly.
He didn’t say anything else. When we got back, Kira had been waiting for us at our table.
“Where’d you guys run off to?” she said with a sly grin as if she already knew.
Neither of us answered. As we walked to school, I couldn’t look Reilly’s way.

That same day, I overheard Kira talking to Reilly during lunch.
“So what did you think of Seth?” she said.
“He’s cute,” Reilly answered. My face grew warm.
“Really, now?” Kira said with a smile. “Are you gonna ask him out?”
“I don’t think he’s ready yet.”
I felt cold after that. He didn’t think I was ready? For what? I left before I could find out. I wondered if our kiss turned him off. On top of that, I wondered why it hurt to think that it probably did.

When sophomore year started, I ended up in a class with Cody Folson. He was known to hit on “anything that moved”. Later that year, I got a note from him saying:
                                                    Hey cutie.
At first, it disturbed me. Then I thought that this could be my chance to prove to Reilly that I was ready. In my mind that justified responding to Cody with this:
                                                    Hey yourself.

My relationship with Cody lasted longer than the one I had with Emma. But almost no one knew about it. Not even Kira.
I told Cody I wasn’t ready to be out yet. So he promised to keep us a secret. It worked. For a while. Soon Cody got sick of having to hide. People noticed he wasn’t hitting on anyone anymore and they started asking questions. Eventually he got sick of lying for me.
One day, he said, “If you don’t say anything, I will.” I spent a good ten minutes begging him not to. At the end of my plea, he said, “I think we should break up.”

Reilly was right. I wasn’t ready at all.

I asked Kira to pretend to be my girlfriend during junior year.
“At least I don’t have to worry about you cheating on me with another chick,” she had said.
I felt like I had to hide. Not only were people at school getting suspicious of me, but my parents were too. Kira understood that. Reilly wondered though.
“Why do you care so much? People are used to things like that by now,” he’d asked.
“My parents,” I told him simply.
“Oh.” Reilly got it after that.

Reilly came over to my house once. We had to work on a social studies project together. On the TV, Dad was watching something on the news about gay marriage.
“It shouldn’t be legalized at all,” he said.
This got Reilly angry.
“Why not?”
“A relationship between two men isn’t God’s plan. The state shouldn’t be encouraging this kind of behavior.”
An argument started after that. Dad maintained that being gay was unnatural and Reilly defended the right to love whomever one chose. And I vowed never to invite friends over again.

Afterwards, Reilly told me, “It must suck to have him as a dad.”
I could only nod. He had no idea.

By senior year I thought I was ready to let the truth out. I was sick of having to pretend, and being scared of who might see through all the lies. And Cody’s threat still ticked in my ear like a time bomb. Even after two years, I was paranoid.
By then, everyone knew about Reilly. He came out the year before. All he did was tell one person and our entire class knew. But I was planning on telling more than just one person.

I had English with Kira and Reilly. We ended up in the same group for one of the assignments. The teacher said to stay on task but no one ever did. So, when things quieted down around us, I said to Reilly, “Hey, do you wanna go out with me this Saturday?” Everyone stared. I heard whispers in the classroom and I knew that it wouldn’t take long before it got out. Before I was out. Kira smiled at me. Reilly simply said, “Sure.”

I knew my parents would find out eventually. Now that the entire senior class knew, it was only a matter of time. Still, I thought I had time to get ready for that.

Nearly two weeks after, I came home late from school and mom yelled, “Seth, come in here. Now.” She was in the living room and her face told me she wasn’t pleased. Dad was home early, which meant that I was in serious trouble.
I wanted to scream, “I’m not gay! It’s just a stupid rumor going around school!” But then my mom said, “I talked to Eddie today.”
Apparently, Mom went back to the town we lived in previously to visit an old friend. And while she was there, she bumped into Eddie. They talked for a little bit. Then Mom said, “Seth’s been having a little bad luck with girls lately. Just broke up with his girlfriend.”
Then Eddie replied, “I thought he was gay.”
This sent Mom into a frenzy. So when she got back home she searched my room for evidence. And somehow she found an old note I’d hidden away two years ago. The one where I flirted with Cody, his name and number still on it.

I’d rather leave it there. The rest is too hard to look back on. Now I’m staying at Kira’s until I can find a way to live on my own. Or until graduation. Reilly offered, but I thought it’d be inappropriate to stay at my boyfriend’s house.

I wish I’d never said anything to Eddie. Because of him, my parents can’t stand me living under their roof anymore. Before kicking me out, my mom had called me “filthy” and “disgusting”. Dad wouldn’t even look my way. It’s not all his fault, I know. Sometimes, I wish I never told him anything. Maybe then, I’d have a little more time to get ready.